I just heard the best quote ever!
"When you feel like you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on".
Thank you all SO much for your thoughts in phone calls, emails, FB and even through my blog. I have enjoyed my time away, trying to refocus energy and to also balance work and personal time. I think i have a good handle on it.
I wanted to come back a couple of weeks ago, but i had some things getting in the way. So, i wanted to update you all.
Back in 2007 when i went off of birth control and met with my OB/GYN, he had prescribed a mammogram for me. There is a long history of breast cancer on my maternal side, including my dear grandmother and her two sisters. All were diagnosed with breast cancer, had at least one breast removed and died from the awful disease. I didn't go because we got so involved with our fertility treatments and then the adoption.
A few weeks ago i went for my annual pap and again my doctor ordered it. At 36, he preferred i not wait until 40 with the family history. I also spoke with him about my endometriosis symptoms coming back. This was the first we had discussed my dx in 2 years. He was able to completely review my paperwork and photos. He is worried about the fact that the endo. was found on my rectum. He said as common as endo, is, it isn't common there. So, he also ordered me to see a GI specialist to rule out colon cancer and be certain that the endo. is not spreading again.
With that, i was put on Lupron to suppress the endo. I asked for a hysterectomy. I mean, to be 100% honest, if i cant' get pregnant, please just put me out of my misery. He said 'no' saying he would not surgically induce menopause. Ok, fine. I went on birth control and took myself off a week later. The nausea was more than i could handle round the clock. We are going to try a new prescription.
In the meantime, i had my mammogram. Everything everyone told me was true. They hurt like the devil! Granted, it didn't last long, but for those few minutes, i was miserable. The nurse told me that if there was something to be concerned about, i would get a call.
Last week, i was driving to the GI doctor to start reviewing my history, and get a call from the hospital saying they need to see me about the mammogram and follow up with an ultrasound on my right breast. Ugh.. so on the way to one doctor, i get a call from the other. Really?
At the GI doctor, we spent an hour reviewing my history, health and endo. symptoms. She is equally concerned as my OB/GYN, so the next step is a colonoscopy next week, right before the New Year. Something to look forward to, no? LOL
I also had the followup ultrasound. After the ultrasound, the radiologist wanted more x-rays. OK, seriously. This time, she drew tears. It hurt more than the first time! Thankfully, the coast is clear. I happen to have a really fibrous breast, and now they have a baseline for me. Phew.
I will keep you posted on the appointment next week.
In other news, this week has been bittersweet. I go through days thinking that i have a better chance of winning the lottery then i do becoming a mom. There are days when i feels so close i can taste it, but then days after waiting 14 months, going on 15 now, that it just feels so far away, i'm ready to let go of the rope. I heard that saying though and it lifted my spirits.
I will tell you though, that we did buy the baby gifts. They are wrapped under the tree, with a tag that names him or her the "angel". My friend Julie who is my positive life coach has very strong feelings about this month. She encouraged us to get a few gifts for baby 'A'. I have to admit, it was fun picking out a few things!
She also told me, that this month, Christopher will revert back to some feelings he had 19 years ago. When she asked me what happened to him then, i did the math. He was 13/14. That is when he found out he was adopted by his step-father. His parents tried to hide it from him. So, we wonder if that has anything to do with our baby?
She also told us how clear things become after the eclipse. That happened early this morning.
Could these be signs?
I think i'll hang onto the rope and find out. ;-)