[ i'm paralyzed ]



I can't even begin to explain where my head is at. I guess, easily put if i had to describe it. Think of a hamster in a wheel going around and around and not knowing what it is doing, all the while enjoying the ride. I mean after all, the hamster did climb into the wheel, right? Granted, i did climb on for the ride too, but i thought it would have been over or at least have some direction right now. I feel like everything in my life is up in the air right now. Unlike the hamster, i'm ready to get off the ride. I'm not having as much fun.

For starters, my business has grown by leaps and bounds. I'm seriously contemplating a storefront but the commitment scares me. I want to take time off when we have our baby. But when will that be? Do i put things on hold for the "what ifs" and "when it happens"? We could be waiting another year or more.

Then... we are also thinking (again seriously) about moving out of state. So storefront sort of = crazy idea. Do i open a storefront in the meantime? Could that be even crazier?

Christopher is going back to school this fall (on-line thank god) so wrapping my head around that is tricky too.

He hates his job and also wants to switch things up... while in school.

Did i mention we have no idea about a baby? I wish there was a sign.

If we stay in this area, we will still move, and the goal is in 2-3 years, which will fly by.

So needless to say, i'm overwhelmed and the idea of still having no idea about a baby is killing me, taking a toll and i'm just starting to shut down. I have cried so much this week without thinking about it. It just comes on with no control. It is like i am having an out of body experience. I can't describe it.

We are entering month 10 of the wait. Friends have had babies. Other friends are announcing their pregnancies while they announced their first as we were being home study approved.

Here was my experience yesterday. I had a dentist appointment to have a filling redone that was breaking.

Me: crying on the way to the dentist
Reception: Hi Rebecca. Are you OK?
Me: Yes. It is just "one of those days"

I'm now in the chair getting prepped. I tell the dentist that because my tooth will probably hurt, i'm going to use it as an excuse to eat ice-cream for dinner.

Hygenist: Ice-cream for dinner?
Me: Yup! I love it, i eat it just about every day.
Hygenist: Where do you put it?
Me: I store it in my leg, i just run and spin alot!
Hygenist: I know! You must not have kids yet, right? Because you are in great shape.
Me: i can't have kids.

{insert bull in china store}

Yeah, she said it, and i said that back. Without thinking, it came out like purging of the mouth. I didn't mean it, but couldn't help it.

I also got my first needle yesterday since IVF needles. Talk about emotion coming gushing back.

So, needless to say, yesterday sucked and i ate a pint of ice-cream - because i could! I called Christopher since he is out of town and he made me feel better, just hearing his voice.


bklyn76 said...

oh, rebecca i'm so sorry you're feeling this. and it sucks even more that christopher is away. i wish there was some way to see into the future to make all the big decisions while we wait for things that we have no control over. i still have my fingers crossed that your babe will be delivered to you soon. {hug}

Renee@Modus Operandi Designs said...

What a heart breaking and still beautiful post. I know what its like to be paralyzed in much the same way and all I can say for certain is that time will move you forward. I wish I could hug you even though you don't know me. Sending you good wishes that today is better for you than yesterday. =)

Hurdles of Life said...

((hugs)) us fellow if'ers have "those days" and its completely okay! recognize it, cry over it.. and eat icecream!! xoxox

btw, i vote on opening the storefront... just sign a short term lease (3-6 months). it'll keep you occupied and help with "those days".

Anonymous said...

Hi Rebecca

You are me, we are going into our 6th month of waiting. It is so hard. No one really knows how hard it is to keep yourself positive. But I love to log in everyday and read everything you have to say. I have voted for your nursery and the closet organizer. You make the wait so much easier for me.BTW I think it was great you said that to the hygenist.

Johanna said...

Oh man. I'm sorry. I've had those days too. Sometimes you have to just come out and say it!

Anonymous said...

Hello Rebecca,
I read your blog today for the first time and your current post tugged at my heart. Remember how special you are to your husband and the friends and family around you, the rest will fall into place. I vote for you to open the storefront, sometimes when we put our effort into another task, the unexpected happens.

Anonymous said...

Hi Rebecca,

Sorry you've had a crappy few days. Do whatever helps, ice cream;chocolate;wine. Sending hugs from Canada.


Sarah said...

Hey! So sorry to read this, Rebecca! I know there's not much we can say to make you feel better, but know we are all thinking of you. Storefront=awesome! It is a huge accomplishment that you are even considering this, good for you, girl!

Cyd said...

Hi, lovey. My heart breaks reading this and I'm sending lots of good baby juju out into the world in hopes it happens soon. While I don't know what it's like to wait on a baby, I have been through a period not too long ago that felt exactly as you described. It's amazing how swiftly and sweetly the clarity can come when you least expect it, sometimes from the least expected source. Please know that I am thinking of you and I'm always here if you'd like to chat or just meet halfway for an ice cream (my favorite food in the entire world.) *big hugs* xoxo

Amy said...

Hi Rebecca. I commented on a post a few days ago but don't know if it went through. I had said that after five years of trying I finally got pregnant with my daughter. Well what I didn't say was that during the last part of that wait we were also trying to adopt. Went through the home study, made our books for prospective birth moms, and waited, waited, waited.....for over a year. At that point we tried IVF (this was after the first 3 years of trying MANY other procedures) and thankfully it worked. But I know it is hard. Excruciating actually. I have been there. I have locked myself in the bathroom at parties and sobbed over the fact that my friends kids were growing so fast (they were on kids #2, 3 etc. while I had been trying long before kid #1 was ever an idea in their minds.) It is the worst kind of pain....Longing for a child and wondering when they will come. Trying to be happy for pregnant friends and being jealous and angry at them all at the same time.

But you MUST keep the faith. Your baby is coming. And he or she is waiting for you. God has a plan for you. (disclaimer: I don't actually feel that religious but boy did I believe this when I was going through our wait). And after all that we went through I am such a believer now.

Follow your dreams now if only to help the time go by more quickly while you wait. Keep your chin up. You will be a mommy soon!

Cristina said...

I am sending hugs your way...

nikinikinine said...

I am just catching up on blog reading. It's funny you posted this because I've been thinking of you guys nonstop lately. I said to Joe just over the weekend that I thought you guys were rounding the corner on 10 months and we just couldn't believe how long it's been. I keep thinking deep in my heart that November is your month. Don't ask me why.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand, planning. Hmmm. I am terrible with this. We are going through some similar stuff - Joe's back in school, I'm leaving work, we have two babies coming into the picture and we don't know what the hell that will be like, he wants to switch careers, we think all the time about moving. It's ridiculously overwhelming. So I made an agreement with myself that I was going to stop trying to plan (clearly, up until now, making plans hasn't worked that well for me…) and just try to enjoy today. If it feels good today then I'm going to run with it and if something changes in a year from now or three years from now then we'll deal with it when the change occurs. No sense in trying to plan for the unknown because it's the UNKNOWN. Know what I mean fellow OCD, Type-A, Control Freak :)

As for the store front. I say go for it. You've worked your ass off and you deserve that as your next step. Sure it's a huge leap. But sometimes you have to leap and wait for the net to appear. xoxo

Al said...

Thank you for posting this. I've been lurking around here for a while, but I'm compelled to comment on your beautifully poingant post today. I just told my husband last night that I feel like we are stuck in a Hamster wheel, it honestly is the only way to describe it.

Because of ongoing health issues, I can't carry a baby of our own and in March we began the adoption waiting process. This week has been particularly hard for me emotionally not sure why. I know this is just a bit of a ramble to say you are not alone! The way you expressed your feelings was so perfect!

Hoity Toity Baby said...

I am so sorry for your sadness. I was thinking about you the other day and I was so hoping for good news. I'm still praying and hoping for good news very soon! Hang in there!

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