Fix It.

Golly, for some reason today, i had another hard day. I can't figure it out. I go on working, thinking about how busy i am, what great clients i have, and then BAM! Out of nowhere, i think of where i am and it certainly isn't what i imagined. I feel like i take a step forward, and 3 back with my emotions. Funny, i was talking to my mom, and being 1 of three girls, my dad always wants to "fix" things for us. It frustrates the heck out of him that he can't help me. Christopher wants to "fix" me and make me better. I want to "fix" me. I wonder if i will ever really be "fixed". I feel like not having the ability to have a child makes me broke. I guess it will take me much longer than i thought to get over the fact that i can't buy maternity clothes, that i won't experience weight gain, swollen feet and ankles, morning sickness, food cravings, my first ultrasound, rubbing my belly as it gets bigger, a water breaking in the middle of the night unexpectedly, rushing to the hospital and delivering. Some people think i am crazy for wanting to experience pregnancy, but i think those are the lucky ones who have.

This Coldplay song speaks to my emotions so well. We tried and tried to make something happen. Christopher gave me 60+ shots to my stomach, the nurses gave me 20+ something shots in my arm to draw blood, i had 15+ ultrasounds, 1 laparoscopic surgery, 3 failed IUI's and 1 failed IVF... and we didn't get what we need. We were so in love with the embryos that were transferred, we thought one might be. Right now, we just need the light to guide us.


When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you