i am awake... was it all a bad dream?


no. it isn't. It really happened. I got the call so late in the day yesterday after climbing up the walls and out of my skin. After feeling nauseous all day long, and Christopher hoping i was going to get sick from being pregnant. Tammy called and i just knew from the tone in her voice... "Rebecca, i am so sorry, i wish i had better news for you.". She told me even Marsha, the embryologist was so upset for us. I am so sure that everyone there on a daily basis goes through emotional roller coasters like we do. That is what they do, try and get people to have families.
When they took my blood at 8:15 am, i was in tears. I had started to spot on Friday, but it went away, so i was thinking there was still a chance. Marsha explained to me that it isn't over. I then asked how long the results would take. She told me normally within a couple of hours they would call, but the machine was broken, so they had to send my blood over to the hospital across the street and i might not hear until 5 pm! What? Kidding? you are going to tell a nervous girl, who has never made it to her beta in the three other IUI's, that she has to wait 9 hours for results? ugh...
Well, we already had plans with friends, so in staying optimistic, we decided to go, and "celebrate" the good news with our friends when we got the call. Instead, i had to slither out the front door, holding my tears in as i paced her front porch in disbelief. Christopher came out, took my hand, gave me his sunglasses from his teary eyes and we walked a long block around her house. it was awful. All the prayer, thought, emotion, energy, and good vibes were for nothing! Nothing! There are days when i just feel so gosh darn defective, that even something so "perfect" on paper can't stay put! I am not sure i will ever have an answer why this happened, or continues to happen to us. I don't get it and i wish i knew. Perhaps i might feel that much better.
Our next step is to decide what to do. Until then, i have to wait for AF to show, and then follow up with Marla, my nurse.


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