Parker is 6 months

Well, if you want to get technical, he will be 7 months next week, but my camera was held hostage in my parents car and i just got it back. So, i'll be posting lots of updates! Just pretend that my life is on your DVR shall we?

Here is my (not so) little man! At a whopping 27.75" long and 17 pounds, he is just growing so much quicker that i want and i miss his squiggly little body nestled up next to me.

[ checking things off our list ]

One of our goals this year in preparation for our baby was to take a CPR class through the Red Cross. Of course, we managed to schedule it in the midst of our kitchen renovation, but that is basically how we operate. Too much going on for the hours in the day. I have to say though, the kitchen is looking great and i did manage to take some photos this weekend as we started the tile, so i will post this week!

So last night, we took the 4 hour class. I have to say, i haven't taken CPR in years. It has been probably 15 or 20 if i had to guess. I honestly think since i taught swimming lessons as a teenager. (oh- i just aged myself).

Since the class size was small, (5 to be exact) the instructor asked us to introduce ourselves and wanted to know what we would like to get from the class. She was willing to focus on our needs instead of following text book. I thought that was pretty cool. So, the first couple, clearly pregnant went first. Christopher and i went second and the babysitter that was there went third.

When Christopher introduced us and said that we are adopting and wanted to learn infant CPR, there was an awkward silence - followed by a smile and then the questions came flowing. I will admit, i sometimes don't understand the reactions of strangers when we tell people we are proudly adopting. I can't figure out if they are curious, happy, taken back or whatever. Once we got through 20 questions, we started the class.

I have to say, it was pretty exciting learning all of this and makes me realize we are one step closer to being prepared for parenthood. On the other hand, i was like, holy shit! Will i remember all of this if i ever have to use it? Will i be a good mom? Will my instincts just take over? It is pretty scary actually. One day i'll have a human to take care of much smaller and tricker than the rubber mannequin!

For those who have adopted or are in the process of - how do you handle the 20 questions syndrome? I swear i thought it would get easier, but i feel like carrying a Cliff Notes version around with me.

[ Latest agency update ]

So i was bummed to learn a few weeks ago that our coordinator at the agency was leaving. She wanted to focus on her children. I can understand and respect her decision. However, selfishly, I loved our coordinator and didn't want another adjustment.

However, our new coordinator is lovely and we spoke this morning. I haven't called for an update since month 10 and we have entered month 15.

I guess so far 2011 is proving to be a busy year. In only the third week, they are working with their third instant placement. For those of you unaware of what that means, basically, the adoptive parent{s} would get a call after the baby is born and have to travel to pick him/her up. As opposed to being matched during pregnancy.

Our profiles have now been out 23 times since becoming active. There are still 4 open possibilities at this point and babies with due dates until June. They are located in OH, GA, VT and NY. So, our glimmer of hope until i get antsy for more information.

I hope you are all well! And thank you as you continue to check in with me via email. Your positive thoughts and vibes are part of what keeps me going!

Smooth as molasses

No pun intended, but seriously, that is how my very first colonoscopy went the past 2 days, prep and all!

The prep was the hardest part. I haven't updated you to tell you all that i'm training for a half-marathon, so i've been so used to burning lots of calories, that broth and italian ice just weren't cutting it in the calorie department. I whined (a lot). Yesterday was the test and everything came back negative! Yay!

So for now, i'm on new birth control to help suppress the endo. and will have another checkup in about 6 months for an ultrasound to be sure any cysts have cleared. For now, that is the plan. My doctor doesn't want to surgically induce menopause by me having a hysterectomy so early and he prefers to not do another lap because it doesn't really clear all of the endo away since it is chronic.

Thank you for your well wishes, i appreciate them.

Did everyone have a wonderful Christmas? Ours was fantastic and just wait until i post photos! My nieces were cute as buttons and i was thrilled to spend the afternoon with them!

On our way to my sister's house on Saturday, Christopher and i saw the most amazing rainbow. It was glaring right down at us, straight down as a matter of a fact, on a bright sunny day. No-one else saw it, and most were driving right behind us. Weird? I think not. ;-)

Hi my friends!

I just heard the best quote ever!

"When you feel like you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on".

Thank you all SO much for your thoughts in phone calls, emails, FB and even through my blog. I have enjoyed my time away, trying to refocus energy and to also balance work and personal time. I think i have a good handle on it.

I wanted to come back a couple of weeks ago, but i had some things getting in the way. So, i wanted to update you all.

Back in 2007 when i went off of birth control and met with my OB/GYN, he had prescribed a mammogram for me. There is a long history of breast cancer on my maternal side, including my dear grandmother and her two sisters. All were diagnosed with breast cancer, had at least one breast removed and died from the awful disease. I didn't go because we got so involved with our fertility treatments and then the adoption.

A few weeks ago i went for my annual pap and again my doctor ordered it. At 36, he preferred i not wait until 40 with the family history. I also spoke with him about my endometriosis symptoms coming back. This was the first we had discussed my dx in 2 years. He was able to completely review my paperwork and photos. He is worried about the fact that the endo. was found on my rectum. He said as common as endo, is, it isn't common there. So, he also ordered me to see a GI specialist to rule out colon cancer and be certain that the endo. is not spreading again.

With that, i was put on Lupron to suppress the endo. I asked for a hysterectomy. I mean, to be 100% honest, if i cant' get pregnant, please just put me out of my misery. He said 'no' saying he would not surgically induce menopause. Ok, fine. I went on birth control and took myself off a week later. The nausea was more than i could handle round the clock. We are going to try a new prescription.

In the meantime, i had my mammogram. Everything everyone told me was true. They hurt like the devil! Granted, it didn't last long, but for those few minutes, i was miserable. The nurse told me that if there was something to be concerned about, i would get a call.

Last week, i was driving to the GI doctor to start reviewing my history, and get a call from the hospital saying they need to see me about the mammogram and follow up with an ultrasound on my right breast. Ugh.. so on the way to one doctor, i get a call from the other. Really?

At the GI doctor, we spent an hour reviewing my history, health and endo. symptoms. She is equally concerned as my OB/GYN, so the next step is a colonoscopy next week, right before the New Year. Something to look forward to, no? LOL

I also had the followup ultrasound. After the ultrasound, the radiologist wanted more x-rays. OK, seriously. This time, she drew tears. It hurt more than the first time! Thankfully, the coast is clear. I happen to have a really fibrous breast, and now they have a baseline for me. Phew.

I will keep you posted on the appointment next week.

In other news, this week has been bittersweet. I go through days thinking that i have a better chance of winning the lottery then i do becoming a mom. There are days when i feels so close i can taste it, but then days after waiting 14 months, going on 15 now, that it just feels so far away, i'm ready to let go of the rope. I heard that saying though and it lifted my spirits.

I will tell you though, that we did buy the baby gifts. They are wrapped under the tree, with a tag that names him or her the "angel". My friend Julie who is my positive life coach has very strong feelings about this month. She encouraged us to get a few gifts for baby 'A'. I have to admit, it was fun picking out a few things!

She also told me, that this month, Christopher will revert back to some feelings he had 19 years ago. When she asked me what happened to him then, i did the math. He was 13/14. That is when he found out he was adopted by his step-father. His parents tried to hide it from him. So, we wonder if that has anything to do with our baby?

She also told us how clear things become after the eclipse. That happened early this morning.

Could these be signs?

I think i'll hang onto the rope and find out. ;-)

[ I've hit a wall ]

I'm so sorry to all my readers. Some of you email me offline and some online. Some might not even care and cruise by quickly. Whatever you visit for, i'm sorry for the lack of posting. I know in blogging world apologizing is taboo, however you have followed me long enough i'm 100% myself here and i can play by my own rules. :-P

Since moving into my new office space, my life has changed greatly. All positive stuff, but quite frankly keeping up with the design blog, clients, PR, and the whole slew of new "stuff" that comes with owning a storefront is much greater than i anticipated. It leaves little room {or desire on occasion} to want to come home and blog after being on the computer all day.

Don't get me wrong, i love blogging and keeping you up-to-date on everything, but like i said, i've hit a wall. Unless we call for adoption updates, we don't get any. We opted out of knowing anything.

We try to live life as normal as possible, but quite frankly, it is hard and nearly impossible. I don't care what anyone says, if you have adopted, you get it. We tried to book a NYE trip to Denver to see friends and ski, but were told that trip insurance won't cover adoption. So, that is out. Each month that passes, we are more and more financially drained. We can't spend money on house projects, so i have no updates there.

While we are trying to have fun, it is now cold so most weekends are spent at home, watching movies and snuggling in front of the fire. I'm sure you don't want each "weekend tidbit" about that! LOL

I refuse to become the negative nelly through this process and pour my sadness on my blog. So, my lack of emotion here is just poured out through tears at home and prayer to give me the strength to get through this wait.

We get calls, emails and notes from family and friends that ask the same thing: "any news?" It kills me to answer each time, with of course, no change.


I guess with all of that said, i don't intend to stop blogging. I guess i'd like to call it a hiatus of sorts until i have something interesting and creative to share. In the meantime, i would love feedback on what you like, don't like, miss, want to see more of. It will get my creative juices flowing with goodies to post!

Have a magnificent day!

[ think he is embarrassed? ]

Why yes, i'm quite certain Clemens did not want any part of this costume. However, i could resist trying it on the poor guy. Afterall, he does have a holiday tee that he proudly sports at Christmas. I really think it was the velcro underneath that ticked him off. {plus he is a tad plump}.

Growing up, we had a cat Smokey, {poor guy} that we would dress up, put in our doll stroller and call it a day. He dealt with it. Such a good boy. I thought Clemens might be the same, but not so much! However, Christopher and i were literally on the floor laughing at him. He was too funny in this costume.

So, what are your Halloween plans this year?

We are headed to our friend's daughter's 2nd birthday party {she is indeed a Halloween baby} and then spend the later day and evening watching scary movies and eating! We get some trick-o-treaters, but not a ton. Our neighborhood is pretty old, with not many children.

One year ago...

Ok, Ok. So it was slightly more than one year ago. It was October 2, 2009 to be exact. The most ecstatic day! I "felt" pregnant. Well, let's face it, as pregnant as i'll ever feel. {insert: stop telling me i'll get knocked up once we adopt. Isn't happening. My eggs are fried. Hard as rocks. Sperm can't get through. I think i might carry around copies of my report from the embryologist so when someone says that to me, i can hand them a shortened version. If i had a dollar for every time someone said that, i would be paying cash for my first born as opposed to working extra hours and taking out bank loans}. I digress.

On that very day, we got a call and email from our social worker that we officially became active and could start the potentially long and grueling wait for our baby to find us.

We didn't think it would take a year. Seriously. What were we thinking? That we are god's gift to a birth mother? There are so many fabulous families waiting to adopt. So we did our thing, lived life and made plans. We had our ups and downs, good times and bad.

Then we get the dreaded email on August 16th, 2010 informing us we had about a month to the expiration of our homestudy. ::gulp:: $800 more, and more meetings and more waiting. New doctors notices, new background checks, new financials and new child abuse clearances.

{September rolls around and knowing our life, our attitude is such that we'll pay the dough and we'll get matched. Still waiting, but it's all good}.

We had our meeting with our social worker and it was really a great meeting. I wanted to update you all. I wish i could carry her around in my pocket. Seriously. She is amazing and wonderful and just gets it. She mentioned that she felt the 17-20 times our profile has been out seems like a low number. Really? To me it seemed like a lot and i'm going to keep thinking that. {as a note, 17 was the number i got at our 10 month check-in with the agency. I haven't called since}. She also asked us if we wanted additional information that we might not know about, that had happened over the year. We said "sure!" She told us that 2 birth mothers loved us. Fell in love through our profile. Loved our photos, our story and our family. One decided to parent before they called us {thank god} and the other was so young her parents stepped in. So, third one's a charm? Maybe?

So, with October 2, 2010 coming and going, we are beyond waiting a year. We are 3 years past trying to have a family and we are plenty of tears, emotions and questions beyond this part of our life. We wait with open arms and big hearts.

[ I'm back.... sort of ]

Hi my friends!

I swear, i'm still alive and well! I have just been buried with the opening of my studio, which was awesome and getting things set up. It has been great, but trying to get into the groove of commuting again after almost 3 years has been weird. {but great, i love it!}

As i was moving in and prepping for my open house, we were updating our home study {lots to share} and my grandfather's health went severely downhill. He did pass away this past Thursday and we are celebrating his life today and tomorrow. So needless to say, i've had more on my plate that i could handle most days, but the dust has pretty much settled and i look forward to updating everyone this week.

ps...i tried to salvage the links along the side because of the virus, but it didn't work. I was getting frustrated and mad that i had been away for so long.

I'll start building them up again! I am always looking for new reads though too, so what are yours?

Hope you are enjoying your weekend!

[ 4 years of wedded bliss ]

We made it easy for Christopher to remember. 9/9 is our anniversary and 6/6 is my birthday! HA! Or, at least Facebook reminds you of these events. Kidding!

In all seriousness, i can't believe today is our 4th anniversary! It is so crazy that only 4 years have passed. I constantly wonder how did we fit everything we've done into 4 years? Did we sleep? Then i think to myself... well shit, if i can get through all of that with him, the good, bad and ugly - i can get through anything with my best friend!

It is a pretty yuck day today, so we are going to cook in, make a small fire and enjoy some bubbly! Tomorrow, Christopher to taking off work and we are headed to Jersey to IKEA to get a few things for my new office! {squeeee!} I think we'll go out and celebrate tomorrow or Saturday.


On another note, thank you SO much for all of your congrats and well wishes on my new studio! I'll keep you all posted for the local readers. I plan on having an open house when everything is set!

Have a terrific Thursday!

[ my big news ]

OMG!
I have been so excited to share with you all!

You might remember this post? I was so wishy-washy, unsure of what to do with many things in life. I felt like i was revolving the one thing i want so bad in life - the one thing i have ZERO control of around all other aspects of my life. I did some deep searching and realized i need to let go of my type-A control freak attitude and just live and enjoy my career right now. We could be waiting one more day or 2 more years. What i can control is my business that i have worked my butt off for 4 years now. I can control that destiny. I can control the decisions i make regarding the success or failure of my passion.

This week, i am signing a lease for a storefront! After so many sleepless nights and wondering if i was making the right decision i decided to do it. I spent many days {hence my absence} looking at various spaces. It was so fun, but completely overwhelming and intimidating at first. The renter's insurance for a commercial space is enough to knock me right out of the hamster wheel! I kid you not. Everything is starting to fall into place and it just feel so right. I will finally be able to commute to work (sweet!) and have the wind-up and wind-down time that i just don't get working from home. I'll be able to leave work at work and enjoy time with Christopher and our baby when we are matched. I'll be able to bring baby to the studio if needed also. There are certainly pieces that will need to be figured out, but that will come in time and i look forward to the challenge.

We have officially hung a "coming soon" sign in the window at the store and now the decorating part begins! I will take some photos and start sharing the empty space as it is now and as we progress.

I will say one thing, it is quite the distraction as we enter the 11th month of our wait!

Thanks so much for bearing with me through my absence. I am excited to share this ride with you all!

[ life impact ]

When i was a little girl, i used to love getting dressed to go to church each Sunday. LOVED it. At the time, i didn't know if loved getting dolled up more than church itself, but i think my parents made me believe it was the best thing since sliced bread. I mean, after all, they are Italian Catholics, my dad converted from Lutheran for my mom and all was well.

As i got older, i replaced the love of getting dressed with jeans and the attitude that it was more for my parents than it was for me. Then my attitude switched back as i made the adult decision to go to church for me, and not my parents.

I loved our little church. The original church i grew up in, an amazing cathedral sadly burnt down when i was young. I remember my dad helping to fight the fire and the smoke you could see for miles away. Growing up in a small town, it was "the church" and affected many people. However, it didn't affect our priest. We found a new place to worship and call our own. Father Doyle was still amazing as ever, and even though a huge part of him was gone, he wouldn't let our community get down.

Father Doyle baptized me, gave me my first communion, confirmed me and was supposed to marry me. Can you imagine? All the stages of a young woman's life. He ended up passing away shortly after Christopher and i met. It was so very sad. I felt so sad that he wouldn't marry me. Even moving away from home, i had still planned this perfect day i had dreamed of. And it was perfect. Christopher and i explored some new options. (Ok, really more me than him). Once we found our current church and met Deacon Ed, we found our little slice of heaven again. We fell right in love with Ed. He is supportive, loving, non-judgemental attitude (after all, we were living together before marriage) and a great inspiration to us as we prepared for marriage. We used to meet with him each month leading up to our big day. I mean, he is married so who better to talk to then someone who was living it?

Our day with Ed couldn't have been more perfect.

He wrote the most beautiful homily, printed it out and gave it to us. We also had each and every guest tell us how much they enjoyed his ceremony. It was personal, memorable and us.

We ended up moving about a half hour away from his church when we bought our house, but still drove there for mass. It was so important to us to continue our relationship as we built our life together and had children. We really wanted him to baptize our babies. We wouldn't see Ed every week because he would say mass at 8:30 or sometimes 11. But, we would email and he always was there for us. When my grandmother passed away and more importantly, he knew one week that something was wrong. It was right after we started IF treatment and our first cycle failed.

I ended up meeting with him every couple of weeks. Ed was my spiritual therapy. I'll never forget what he told me; "Our timing as humans, isn't always God's timing." I carry those words with me everyday and think about them when i wonder why we aren't matched yet or when other hiccups in life come our way. He would let me cry to him, vent and just wonder "why me?" He told me God has an amazing plan for us. Through boxes and boxes of tissues later, I do truly believe this now and will forever be grateful for his talks.

Two weeks ago, we grabbed the weekly bulletin before mass. I sat and read a good-bye from Ed and his wife Karen. My heart sunk. I felt like my faith is just so strong, Christopher's faith is slowly but surely growing (he was not raised with any religion) and now a huge part of that faith is leaving.

They have decided to take a sabbatical, and will travel to Santiago, Spain as missionaries. I remember them wanting to do this when we got married. We bought them a book about this journey as a thank you. I am so happy for them, but selfishly, don't want them to leave. Ed has always told me..."you are just so special, you just have a longer pregnancy than most." It always helped me to realize our wait will one day come to and end and we will be blessed.

I wanted to email Ed, but couldn't figure out what to say.

Saturday evening, we drove past a new church in "our neck of the woods". We decided that Ed was the reason that we didn't mind driving out of the way for mass each week. I mean, i do enjoy it, i enjoy seeing familiar faces, but the drive is sometimes a drag. We decided to try this new church yesterday. However, i was running late getting ready (mass was at 10:30) and Christopher said.. "do you just want to go in Albany?" Our current church is closer to where we were headed for the day yesterday. So, we decided to go to our usual church and try the new one next week.

We were sitting there, and see Ed and his wife enter. Tear filled eyes, and a tissue in hand, mass started. At the end of mass, our priest invited them to say goodbye to the congregation. You see, they have most definitely touched more lives than ours. They have hearts of gold. Not only do they have one special needs child, but two. That was God's hand to them. He really made me realize that life is what you make of it, that you can choose to enjoy or choose to not.

As he said his goodbye's, i could feel my eyes welling up, and at the same time, grasping Christopher's hand thanking him that we went to mass there instead of switching yesterday. Something must have told him to suggest that, or i never would have been able to say good-bye.

They stepped down from the altar, wiping tears from their eyes.

Mass ended and we walked to Ed and Karen to say goodbye. He looked at me and said you look so healthy, but i can see the pain in your eyes. I couldn't speak, as my eyes filled up, he just grabbed me for a hug, told me to let it all out. He reminded me all that he has told me in the past. I looked up to see his eyes filled, I looked over to see Christopher's eyes filled and we just all hugged together. He told me that if he hadn't seen us yesterday, that he would have called. He also told us that wherever we are, he will come baptize our baby- his travel is only for a couple of months.

Christopher and i walked out of church with red eyes, put our sunglasses on, grabbed each other's hands and walked to our car. We realized how he has impacted our lives and how we have impacted his. Everything is going to be alright.

[ a sweet surprise ]

When i select things for my Friday Finds, i choose them because i feel like you all might like them just as much as i do. I get no kick-back or freebies or any of that good stuff. {although shucks, that would be nice}.

However, if you all remember Sugar B. Baby back in May? With the precious little knitted hats? OMG. Too cute.

Well, Kari, the talent behind the precious products found that i had posted about her goodies and sent a sweet email thanking me. We got to sending emails back and forth and come to find out, we have so much in common! She is also adopting (i hope you don't mind i announce that Kari) and we are on just about the same timeframe in our wait. She has sent me some inspirational blogs that pick me up when i am down and i hope i have been able to do the same.

Aside from the hats, Kari is also a graphic designer {hello, me too! } and just a sweet soul. On Monday, i got a special delivery:

I didn't even open the package and i was already tearing up. Then, the tears were flowing when i opened up the teeny box to find this:

Could you just die!?

The thought that she would take time out of her busy day and send me something to put a smile on my face blows my mind. It is so soft too! I have it on the bear my mother-in-law gave us until our baby finds us. {hey Kari? Do you have intuition about the blue}? =)

Thank you again, and as i have mentioned before, i have enjoyed sharing my journey with you all. Thanks for always reading along! It is really amazing the people you "meet" and connect with!

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

[ tidbits from the weekend ]

What a wonderful weekend with Ellie. We just have so much fun, i always end up so sad when she leaves. Next time though, her sister Ava is going to come either with her, or alone. It was hard for Christopher and i to explain how we have to take turns with them. Ava is turning 3 tomorrow, and she wants to come for sleepovers now too. When i picked Ellie up last week.. she said desperately.."me too?" So sad.

Anyway, of course Ellie and Clemens were attached at the hips. Although a bit more than Clemens probably wanted he was a good sport of a cat and really didn't fuss.

Friday night we went to the Polo Club for a match. She loves to go when she is here and i enjoy it too, so it gives us another excuse to do so! We took some {127} photos of the horses before the match started. Ellie was our "main shooter" that night.

The horses getting their tails braided and tied up.

Chilling out waiting for the match to start. We picked up some yummy sandwiches on our way there. Ellie's choice? PB&J! =)

My amazing friend Deborah had some fun hats left from her bridal shower, so she brought some for Ellie and i to wear so we could match. Then i realized, we never took a photo of us together. And Deborah, so sweet was worried about forgetting Ellie's, that she forgot her own!

{notice Ellie's purple nails? We had mani's/pedi's that day too. Oh - and her toes are blue. Lovely selections i might add}

Deborah and I! {Ellie took this one!}

Jim (Deborah's hubby), Deborah, me and Christopher enjoying our wine!

Ellie saying goodbye as the horses were leaving. She is such a little animal lover.

Have a wonderful day everyone!

[ facing fears ]

Happy Monday my friends! I hope your weekend was grand. Mine sure was and i'll post some photos to show. My niece Ellie was here for a majority of the weekend. We watched the polo match Friday night, went for a bike ride, played on the swings in the park, did lots of art projects, made some food, watched movies and much more! Phew. I'm so glad i have energy to keep up with her! I just haven't had a moment to get the photos off of the camera.

In the meantime, last night Christopher and i were watching old episodes of Modern Family, {god i love that show} and one we watched was about facing fears. It got me to thinking.

What really are my fears?

I definitely have a fear of never getting matched and when i do, not being the best parent i can be. But then, i realize i am being silly. I do have a fear of heights, although i can ride a ski lift, and hike to the highest cliff. ( i just don't look down). I have a fear of bats, of not finishing a race that i run and the #1 fear i have is death. I am afraid to die and i'm afraid of my loved ones dying.

| source: James Joyce |

So, fill in the blank, what are your fears? How do you face them? How have you faced them in the past? Are you still afraid?

[ it's the little things ]

Good morning!

I wanted to share the most adorable book that i received from a client yesterday. She had sent me the link quite sometime ago when we first started working together. I designed a logo for her new upscale baby boutique to open next year. She is young, but oh so ambitious, determined and a smart lady. I really enjoyed my time working with her.

Would would chat about our adoption all the time. There never was a moment when we met when she didn't ask how i felt, how everything was and gave encouraging words to me. She is really a doll.

I had put the link for this book in my favorites, realizing i would purchase it one day, knowing it wasn't a priority at the time. Well, yesterday i received a gift from my client and in the pretty little package was the book! I seriously had tears in my eyes. It really is the little things in life! It was so thoughtful of her and to know me so well! I mean, what designer wouldn't want a fabulous book filled with amazing typography for their baby? Look how fun this book is!

If you want a copy, you can get it here.

Have an amazing day my friends!

[ many thanks! ]

I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. The past few days were tough, but i'm over the hump now. Although there may be more bumps in the road, it is great to know that i can put my feelings out there and have friends who have been through, are going through or are there to support me. It really means so much! I have some IRL friends who read along too, but i feel like you are all my friends. Really.

I also want you to know, that I have grieved and moved on from not being able to conceive. I am truly excited for those who are expecting. i think my hurt and anger and frustration comes from...when it is my turn? There are days when it feels like never. I remember going off birth control 3 years ago and imagining my life with a child. I imagine my husband as a wonderful daddy and i imagine all the memories we will make. None of that has faded, i promise. Some days, the visions are just more blurry then others.

I also really started to think about living in the now. If i open a storefront and we are matched, then i can deal with it. There are so many ways to handle the situation. I will keep you updated!

Once i talked to Christopher last night and he cheered me up, i had a clearer mind. Granted, a mani & pedi along with a glass of wine and another 1/2 pint of ice-cream helped too. =)

I wanted to share something i read from my favorite inspiration, Ralph Marston.

I hope you are having a fabulous day!

[ i'm paralyzed ]

Emotionally.

I can't even begin to explain where my head is at. I guess, easily put if i had to describe it. Think of a hamster in a wheel going around and around and not knowing what it is doing, all the while enjoying the ride. I mean after all, the hamster did climb into the wheel, right? Granted, i did climb on for the ride too, but i thought it would have been over or at least have some direction right now. I feel like everything in my life is up in the air right now. Unlike the hamster, i'm ready to get off the ride. I'm not having as much fun.

For starters, my business has grown by leaps and bounds. I'm seriously contemplating a storefront but the commitment scares me. I want to take time off when we have our baby. But when will that be? Do i put things on hold for the "what ifs" and "when it happens"? We could be waiting another year or more.

Then... we are also thinking (again seriously) about moving out of state. So storefront sort of = crazy idea. Do i open a storefront in the meantime? Could that be even crazier?

Christopher is going back to school this fall (on-line thank god) so wrapping my head around that is tricky too.

He hates his job and also wants to switch things up... while in school.

Did i mention we have no idea about a baby? I wish there was a sign.

If we stay in this area, we will still move, and the goal is in 2-3 years, which will fly by.

So needless to say, i'm overwhelmed and the idea of still having no idea about a baby is killing me, taking a toll and i'm just starting to shut down. I have cried so much this week without thinking about it. It just comes on with no control. It is like i am having an out of body experience. I can't describe it.

We are entering month 10 of the wait. Friends have had babies. Other friends are announcing their pregnancies while they announced their first as we were being home study approved.

Here was my experience yesterday. I had a dentist appointment to have a filling redone that was breaking.

Me: crying on the way to the dentist
Reception: Hi Rebecca. Are you OK?
Me: Yes. It is just "one of those days"

I'm now in the chair getting prepped. I tell the dentist that because my tooth will probably hurt, i'm going to use it as an excuse to eat ice-cream for dinner.

Hygenist: Ice-cream for dinner?
Me: Yup! I love it, i eat it just about every day.
Hygenist: Where do you put it?
Me: I store it in my leg, i just run and spin alot!
Hygenist: I know! You must not have kids yet, right? Because you are in great shape.
Me: i can't have kids.

{insert bull in china store}

Yeah, she said it, and i said that back. Without thinking, it came out like purging of the mouth. I didn't mean it, but couldn't help it.

I also got my first needle yesterday since IVF needles. Talk about emotion coming gushing back.

So, needless to say, yesterday sucked and i ate a pint of ice-cream - because i could! I called Christopher since he is out of town and he made me feel better, just hearing his voice.

[ weekend tidbits, in words ]

So i left without the camera this weekend. Boo! But, in my defense, it was a wacky and wild weekend at the Saratoga Racetrack. My friend's fiance planned her 30th birthday there and we had so much fun! We lost {big time} but had fun betting. I have no idea what i am doing when betting, i just pick the names i like. =)

Then, knowing Christopher is away all week in NYC, we wanted to have a date night. So we tried a new spot, which is now my new favorite! Chianti. One word, just like the name. Amazing. I can't figure out why i haven't been before! We had a great evening, then Sunday stopped at the farmer's market for a few groceries and i had to drop Christopher off at the train before heading to meet with a new client.

However, a couple of quick photos. The new Fresh Market is slated to open in mid-August near me. I can't tell you how excited i am! Yes, i truly enjoy going to the market each week. It is like a project and i enjoy it!

Do you shop at one?

What are the must-haves and the must avoids? Although, from the looks of it, i don't think i'll avoid much! He he he...

Also, i spotted a stroller in a store and got talking to the mom driving it. The Maxi Cosi. I loved the looks of it, the features are great from what i read so far, and she was raving about it! Plus, the price is nice.

Does anyone have it?

Any feedback would be great!

I hope you are enjoying your Monday so far!

[ it's the little things in life ]

So late yesterday morning, i received a message from my friend offering 2 free sneak preview tickets to the movie SALT, which opens this Friday. Fabulous i say and i drive over to pick them up! We have been anxious to see the movie and were thinking about the drive-in this weekend for a date night. But free? In a more fabulous movie theater? Sold.

I had a client meeting until 6, the theater opened at 7 for the preview and the movie started at 7:30. So Christopher got us a table at PF Chang's, ordered some cocktails and apps and had dinner waiting for me when i got there.

We had a swift 1/2 hour dinner and we almost got up from the table without eating our fortune cookies. I said... "hang on babe, we forgot these."

I gobbled mine down and it had a typical... keep dreams strong or something 'usual' like that. I can't even remember. But.. when Christopher opened his, it was this:

How perfect? We both got a slight teary, he tucked it into his wallet and off we went to the movie. I just love the little things.


On another note, SALT was awesome! Part of it was filmed about 20 minutes from us last spring in Albany, NY. We actually drove and sat under the bi-passes one day with the Jeep top down to get glimpses of the filming above us. It was really cool, and what was more cool was watching the movie and seeing recognizable places in the movie where i practically drive everyday!