[ one year ago today ]


One year ago today, almost to the minute as i type ( i swear i didn't plan that, i just happened to look at the clock) i had my embryo transfer. One year ago today, i thought my life would change forever; and it did. Certainly not how i expected, but it did change.

I remember the exact feeling that I had leaving the RE's office. I was edgy, nervous and at the same time filled withe excitement and joy. As the 2 weeks passed before I went for my pregnancy test, I got more and more positive each day. I was sure I was pregnant.

Fast forward to me being myself again and being able to function, think and act like Rebecca again. I firmly believe now, that Christopher and I needed to experience what we did in order to realize that it wasn't being pregnant that we wanted so badly. It wasn't that we wanted to defeat the odds so badly. (insert stubborn personality here). It wasn't even that we longed for the biological connection anymore. We both realized our pain of failure was the aching to be parents. We weren't sad the IVF didn't work. We were sad that we thought that was the moment when we would become parents. See, what we finally learned in ourselves is that we have 110% unconditional love to share and that moment when we got the call about not being pregnant was one more opportunity that had closed its doors on us.

So yes, life has changed this past year. We grew as individuals and we grew as a couple. Yes, admittedly i do have moments when i get saddened by an expectant mom. However, it is because i'm not a mom yet. Not because i can't experience what they are experiencing. I have grieved that part of my life and am excited about the day our baby finds us.

Yesterday, I visited a friend of mine. She read my charts and gave me some insight. She said she kept envisioning a birth mother in small, clean and organized bedroom. She keeps envisioning her opening our profile and putting it back in her dresser drawer. Like she is undecided. She also told me she feels very strongly we will have a baby this summer.

This is a photo of us when we first started dating. We camp alot and for some reason, she kept getting very strong feelings when she looked at this photo. Wonder what it means?


nikinikinine said...

It's frustrating and heartwarming, terrifying and strengthening. Everything changes and yet everything stays the same. I've been having a roller coaster week. I am done grieving some things and just starting to absorb others. I hope this summer is your time to shine my dear.

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