the 2 words i didn't want to hear....

donor eggs. ugh. it crushed me.

I had a followup meeting with my RE yesterday to find out what could have or might have happened this cycle. I expressed my concerns about ovulating late. I asked what our potential next steps are. I was not wanting to hear IVF, and i didn't. But then again, on the other hand, i wanted to. (effed up, right?) yeah.. well that is my mind right now. There is part of me that thought it would be a good move. Financially? Probably not. But can you really attach a price tag to being a biological mom? Not in my eyes.
He told me unfortunately, we aren't good candidates for IVF. I just don't produce enough follicles and estrogen to make it worth the emotion, effort and money. Ok.. so i appreciate his honesty. He did tell me the only way would be to use donor eggs. Nope! Not for us. He tried to explain shared risk programs and really all i heard was "wahh..wahhh.. wahhh.". (pretty much like the teach on Charlie Brown). To think we are almost at the end of the rope and the next step is adoption breaks my heart. I am so not ready to go there yet. I need to have all of this sink in. I need to feel ready. I talked to Christopher and he didn't say much. I don't know what i expected him to say, but he said he was absorbing it all. I honestly can't help the feeling of guilt. Guilt that i can't have a baby for him. Guilt that we may never have that little red-head with freckles that we have been talking about for years. We both want that and now we probably won't get it.

So... after i can take all of this in and decide what our next steps are, i will write.