Coming home on Easter Sunday...


Hi my friends, thanks for hanging on while i took a bit to finish the story. Life has been pretty hectic as we are going through all the fun stuff with Parker, as well as me changing my business plan (for the better), am working on launching a brand new website, hired PR agent, a speciality marketing agent to help get my stationery into national magazines, and try and get back into running.

I can't believe Parker turns 10 weeks old this Friday and i remember Easter Sunday like it was yesterday.

We left for the hospital pretty early. We knew his circumcision was happening at 8:30 AM, so we wanted to be there shortly afterwards. On our way to the hospital, i sent "A" a text to see if they wanted breakfast. They declined and i was pretty sad. There was this feeling (and still is to a fault) that i need to take care of them. I think the situation combined with my personality is a recipe for me getting my feelings hurt at some point or another.

When we got to the hospital, we were so energized and excited. This was the day that we were bringing our little Easter bunny home. The nurses told us that A and J were expecting us, and that we could leave as soon as Parker had peed. (I guess they wanted to make sure his unit worked after the circumcision). When we got into the room, A was already holding Parker and did not offer him to either of us. It was really hard, but i tried to understand. I knew we would have a lifetime with him, and this was basically her last day. So much had changed from just the day before. It was so silent, so awkward. She just rocked him and starred at him- barely lifting her head to make eye contact with us. She mentioned that he did really well in surgery but they were waiting for him to pee. She told us that she was able to leave on Saturday night, but didn't want to. I told her that i understood. We spent some time in the room, but i just honestly couldn't be in the room any longer. I wanted to take my son and run. Run out of the hospital and run home. Lock the door and just wait the 30 days there. I can't lie. I wanted her time to be over. It was exhausting in every sense of the word and as much as my heart broke for her, i just wanted the day to be over.

We arrived at 8:45 AM and ended up spending a good portion of the day in the lounge, away from Parker. My heart pounded, i was filled with anxiety and was so tired. A nurse came in and told us that we could leave whenever we wanted, that A could stay as long as she wanted. They weren't going to ask her to leave. We looked at each other and realized that she wasn't leaving until we were leaving. The last thing we wanted to do was take Parker and leave before she and J. About 12:15 PM, we walked back into the room to see how they were doing. They had slowly started to pack up and knew it was time to go. They finally offered Parker to us and told us we could have time with him. We told them that we had a lifetime with him, that we wanted them to say their goodbye. They looked at each other and A said to J.."why don't you ask them?" I gulped. I had no idea what was coming.
J asked if he could have a photo of me with Parker, one with Christopher and Parker and one with us together. My eyes filled with tears. I felt like it was such a great memory for them to have, and we also took one of them holding Parker to show him one day as we start telling him his life story.

It took about an hour (probably the longest hour of my life) to go through his current feeding schedule, changing him and other baby details. Still, i was like a ticking bomb. I think what i heard was something out of Charlie Brown when the school teacher talked. I didn't care about feedings and shitty diapers. I wanted out of that hospital. We were entirely drained at this point, our eyes were done crying and we wanted to go home.

As we walked down the corridor to the elevator, i could feel my eyes fill up (again). As Parker lay so peacefully in his car seat, he had no idea what was happening and while i'll explain in some depth to him one day, i'm glad he won't have the picture that i had in my mind. We asked A and J if they wanted to come to our car with us. They said they felt it was best we part ways there. All 4 of us and Patty our caseworker lost it. A dropped to her knees over the car seat and just wept. I tried to console her but she said nothing to me. I looked at J and gave him a hug. I always thought i was so strong, but at this moment, i was weaker than the weakest link.

I told both of them that even though we had our legal agreement of visits and photos, if they ever felt like they wanted more, to please ask. It is so easy to send a quick text.

As we hit the down button on the elevator, i felt like it took years to come. We ended up having to get in the same elevator with A and J. We gave them one last hug at the bottom and said goodbye. We walked to our car and put the seat in and just sat there. I still have never asked Christopher what was going through his mind at that moment, but the memories are vivid and always will be.

We were SO glad to be home! We made ourselves the lamest Easter dinner ever and got a tub of ice-cream. It was fabulous! Although, my mother wasn't about to have us miss out on dinner (or meeting her grandson)- they drove an hour at 6 Pm to bring us food and plenty of love!

From the next day through the first few weeks, A would text daily. Usually first thing in the morning to see how he was doing. I think she was going through so much first thing in the morning not having Parker around. Our social worker explained that the texting might ultimately phase out and it has to a certain extent. We usually talk about once a week now. I really like it and i feel like she needs me. She does't have much support, so we talk about things other than Parker too, which is great.

We are supposed to be having our first visit in a few weeks, but due to some circumstances, we aren't sure it will happen.

On another note, we have received paperwork from our attorney, and we are on the road to finalization! Such a great feeling. We are hoping by the end of summer, beginning of fall Parker will officially have our last name and be ours!

So, thank you for hanging on while i found the time to squeeze a post in. I have lots of goodies to share on all fronts - from house photos to landscaping projects to some of the best and most helpful baby items! I guess i would call it my must-have list!


Beth said...

Wow, what an emotional day... I don't blame you for wanting to run away with him the moment you could!

valentina said...

Just found your blog...I am a new mother (via IVF to twin girls) and a former adoption social worker. This account of your "going home" day is so beautiful - very honest and real. I am thrilled for your new family and so proud of how you described your feelings - it is very obvious that you were just meant to be his mother. Congratulations!

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