You know... like a certain cologne reminds you of a past boyfriend... regardless of whether it was last year or high school; or a song that reminds you of your wedding; or a smell that brings back good memories of cookouts growing up; or vacations with your families. To me, it is interesting how your senses bring back memories, good or bad. It could be something you see, hear, smell or even feel. I have even had a de-ja-vu, where i can't quite remember how i should relate the sense, but i know it has something to do with my past.
Well, last night, i was indulging in my favorite guilty pleasure- reality t.v! I was watching The Bachelorette (sad, i know) and a commercial came on for the new Transformers movie. Well, the night of my laparoscopy surgery was the one and only time i have ever watched the first edition of that movie. It brought back way more emotion than i ever thought it would. I remember laying like a blob on the couch because i was sore and the side effects of the anesthesia were wearing off. The movie was actually amazing!! I remember being in so much pain, and so extremely tired that i wanted to pry my eyes open just so I could finish the movie. At that time, i remember thinking about the pain i was in, but it was all for a good thing. To get rid of a fertility inhibitor! The next cycle would be ours! Well, that didn't happen, and it won't happen. I guess i have good days and bad. I wonder "what if" we had tried a few more cycles. I wonder a lot. Then i realize the reality of it all. There are some days when i don't want to talk about anything kids or babies. There are some days when i am just bitter. There are some days when i wish society in general would understand that i am a real person with real feelings. There are some days when i wish people would stop giving me false hope and telling me once i adopt, we'll get pregnant. There are some days when i wish people would stop asking me if i am OK. I feel like saying.. "i would be OK, if you stop asking me if i am OK." I am not a misfit. I am a regular girl, with regular feelings. I have moved on, and why not ask about where we are now. In the now, not the past!